fallen so deep

“The sun stopped shining for me is all. The whole story is: I am sad. I am sad all the time and the sadness is so heavy that I can't get away from it. Not ever.” 
― Nina LaCour, Hold Still

 I guess the question here is that how long are we willing to shelter the pain in our life? Well nobody can answer that with even an estimate because not one conscious mind can comprehend the extent to which one can endure brutality and cruelty on themselves until they have been through it.

I saw, every day, a part of me wither away into obscurity ;and as aware as I was, I still couldn’t do anything about it. So when the anger was too much to contain and the bargaining had failed, I turned to a state of mind that I best saw some salvation in- DEPRESSION. Who knew that loss of love would be so tremendous that one would be forced to live an unholy and immoral life filled with nothing but sorrow, anger and disgust. O what had I become… I was once the person who would stand high on the bases of morality, sanity and humanity. I was once nothing like I had become then.

We, usually, under estimate the power that depression has on the poor souls that it victimizes. The shekels, so gracefully, it put on me, were becoming so tight, gradually, that it kept lessening, what was left of my freedom, my sanity. Yes, I was losing it, and I was losing it faster than my mind would process it. I still remember, I would sit on my bed and pretend as if I am studying while actually I would be stalking him. I would sit for hours and hours and stare at that bloody phone of mine. Stare at his face, his smile and his eyes. His eyes were so perfect so nicely shaped that they enhanced the roundness of his face, his nose so small yet so perfect that it complimented the big round eyes and his lips.. oh his lips,so thin, so pink…………. WAO, just wao! How beautiful can he be? I would sit and admire him all day long, ignorant of the reality that he wasn’t mine to admire anymore..

Feelings of intense sadness, helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness is what, big people with hard to pronounce degrees, call depression; and I was a clichéd case of that. My disease went so far that it began to affect my family, it began to show that something was wrong with me. Concern was what caused them to reach out to me but I was so deep in the ground that my mind had been shut down. No help would have sufficed. So dark was I that even the light around me would get lost. It’s anyone’s guess, how dark would I have been ?

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” 
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral's Kiss