the night it rained

When the darkness and the pain has hit you so hard, what do you do? How will it get better again?

Everyone gets rescued; but in their own ways. Some change their environments, some socialize more while some socialize less. However, for me it was that one dreadful night when I lost everything. The night when I lost hope in myself that I can ever be the same again…

The wind was blowing and It was cold, it was freezing outside. I was lying in my bed, resting and trying my level best to keep my eyes closed till the point I fall asleep. As time had passed it got harder and harder to sleep. I would stare at the ceiling of my tiny bedroom trying to make patterns in the shadows while the wind outside distracted me. What more could I have done to make myself fall asleep? I took pills, I counted backwards from 100, I put on slow and gentle songs… but HELL, I just won’t sleep. So finally, anxious and irritated, I got up, quietly and carefully, I went to the backdoor in the kitchen and unlocked it. The minute I stepped outside, that cold gentle breeze crashed into me like I was its target. I circled around my house once or twice. Tired, I finally sat down on the road, in front of my house.

I had used up all my cards, I was out of all my tricks; now I needed a miracle to get out of this. Sitting on that freezing ice cold road, I looked up at the dark purple sky and I said,

“ how far are you willing to go? Can you break me anymore?” my eyes watered up, but I controlled, because I didn’t want to appear weak just yet. “how bad do you think I am? I know I have made some heavy mistake in my past but can’t you see me trying to make up for them every single day? I asked you for love and what do you do? you show me a quick glance and then take it away from me, isn’t that a bit cruel? You let me believe that I had found love….  You could have given me a hint that he wasn’t the one. I could have saved myself from all this, I could have protected my heart from breaking into pieces. I could have….” And the tears streamed down my cheeks. At that very moment, a drop of rain fell on my forehead. I had a feeling that it was going to pour soon; yet I did not move. I sat there for another five minutes and It started raining.

I stood up, and spread my arms while I closed my eyes and looked up. Every drop that fell on my face ignited a fire in me. Drop by drop, the fire breathed; a fire so intense, so flaming hot that I forgot about him, I forgot about harry. I walked over to a wall in front of the house and I leaned back on it. Still looking up, I joined my hands together, I kneeled down, and I said, “I want help. I need help. I want to get better. I want to fight this, please give me the strength to fight it. I know me, I know my mind that’s why I know that I can’t do this alone, I can’t fight on my own… I need someone to guide me, someone who can help me, show me the right way, someone who can divert my attention from him, who can pull me back once I fall down the pit of depression every time, who can show me how I can live without him and won’t leave me in the middle of the road to fight alone.. You have sent angels as men to help your people before; so send someone for me.” Facing the sky, I opened my eyes; and the lightening flashed with the grudge of a thunder. Somehow I had a strong feeling that he heard me this time, he heard my cry.. HE HEARD.