little things, the happy things.

We weren’t friends, he was still a passer by; yet we would meet every day and the time would fly. Slowly, slowly he got so close that only on him, I could rely. Do you see how love likes to mess with nature and challenge us every step which we defy
There came a time when we would sit on the cold, wet grass and listen to Eminem, Drake and Nikki Minaj. He would watch me smile and he would watch me laugh when I would listen to Adam Samberg’s such vulgar songs. He would watch me cry when I would listen to FM Statics’ tonight. Those days ah those simple and uncomplicated days. His love for life fueled me and my adaptable nature complimented his pride. He was so open, so liberal in life. He was just amazing, so wonderful and bright.
It was February, if I recall correctly, we were sitting on our college balcony. He pulled his laptop out and we watched a movie. My eyes were on the screen and his were on me. I noticed but I didn’t say a word, I didn’t want his feelings to flee. It had been snowing outside, it had been so cold. I was shivering I was freezing sitting on that ice cold floor. As big of a gentlemen as he is, he took his jacket off and covered me with. Quickly I turned to him, I saw his pleasant smile, that smile…. Ah my face just lit.
One terrible Monday, he didn’t show, he took a day off. I got sick, I got flu and a bad cough. Classes had ended and friends had left, I was alone and sick but going home without seeing him, didn’t sound best. So I called him, I acted like death was calling me and was calling me quick. He got worried, so terrified that he came running, running so fast. I knew he cared about me, But when I saw him, ah.. sky is the limit for that lad.
I was in college, I was supposed to study, but how could I? it wasn’t that easy. You see, in life, there comes these strong, these heavy feelings that leave you blind. Studies.. oh who cared about studies, I had love on my mind.

love and indifference

Many and many a year ago, I fell in love with a dame, love bled from whose veins. Insincere and pretentious reality did I not see. Damn o damn I dug my own grave. From that very first moment –I had not been like others, I had not been me. I opened every part of my soul to him, I let my body feel his touch. My body, my temple was his to worship and his to worship alone. I would drive my passions from the same common spring- from the same root that sheltered my desire. All I loved, I loved alone was the beating of his passionate heart. How unfortunate of my fate that I lost the man I praised. “Cry not my dear, for nothing is in vain. You will hear a calling to a path worth following, in a dime, to relieve your pain.” Said my mama. As unaware as she was of the truth; yet It seemed like mama was writing my story because then came the calling of that path worth following.

Third day of college and no sight of max. I searched left I searched right, I searched up and I searched down yet he was nowhere to be found. Eventually I gave up. Sitting on the pavement, way beyond the college road, I looked up and saw him standing, my dreamy bloke.

“Max couldn’t be here, he sends his apology. May I sit with you for a bit to keep you company?”, says the pretty boy.

Now here is where you wish me mad, I said no I said I’ll be alright. I said no, I don’t know why. He stood up and smiled. Beautiful just beautiful those wide sparkling eyes. “No wait, don’t go. Stay please stay” I screamed and I shouted as he went his own way. If only he could hear my thoughts, damn he flew away. If only I had spoken my mind, had he stayed and saved me from my regrets.

No mater, no matter, it happens once or twice. Even the most perfect of us fail, it’s bound to happen for the ultimate prize. I merely sat there for minutes and I heard footsteps come by, “Am here, am back, I just couldn’t pass by.” I smiled , I giggled, I shinned like a twinkle.

We began to explore the world, together yet; alone. Well he had a girl and I had baggage, we really didn’t seem like a perfect package. At that very moment, on the pavement, beyond the college road, sat him and I, falling in love as we stayed unknown.

delayed attack of beauty's authenticity

FOR the most twisted yet the most beautiful story which I am about to narrate, I think you might find me cliché. You see either I follow clichéd theatrics around or it does me. No matter how it is, God only knows. So, just sit back and enjoy because here’s how it goes.

It was a Tuesday, I remember clearly. Here I was, sitting on the chair, in the college library. “Come on already”, I had been impatient lately. “Sorry I am late, I was stuck somewhere”, said max. We sat there for hours, chatting and gossiping about recent affairs. And there he was, circling around us. I noticed him one twice, yes.

“So would you mind if a friend of mine comes to sit with us for a while?” asked max.

“Oh no no, by all means please”, responded I. And damn when I saw him, my jaw dropped a mile.

Fitting, indeed, that was a smash hit and mad would I be to not expect it. Max began the introduction. See love plays an important role in every part of one’s life, like it did with max. He said, “ So hey this is Eli, and he has a girlfriend back home. They want to get married so it’s serious” he smiled with a grin, if I am not mistaken.

Max’s love- what can I say about it- it was selfish, it was fierce and it had been building up for a while now. How do I begin to explain Max. He was the image of something ghastly, something hideous that would reside in the gallows. Yes the gallows, he was that bad. He was my poison that I took by choice. I wasn’t ignorant this time, I wasn’t naïve, I just am big on second chances and third like a perfect queen.


Back to the story. Beautiful that man, messy hair and light tan. So pleasing, so alluring ah those pleasant eyes. Indeed, indeed wasn’t that the image of perfection’s highs. Black jeans and greyish blue button down , but damn those brown shoes… damn, how ugly. I chuckled at max’s introduction statement. So nervous, so tremendously nervous was he, however don’t let your judgmental mind blind you to the fact that he was a beautiful modern day provocateur and a get-away drug to every out-of-control feminine impulse.

the last words

“I love you”, said harry, “But we are not meant for each other. I know you want to talk a little bit more, but that’s how it will always be ‘a little more’. You have hurt me, my feelings. I cannot begin to explain to you what went wrong because there was a lot. You are a wonderful person and I would wish you that you find someone who would put up with you. You are difficult, you are amazingly impossible. You have lied to me time and time again. You fight on the craziest topics. You don’t understand things. You think that I signed a contract with you to spend every waking and sleeping minute of my life with you. You are just too much. I love you now and I will love you forever; but I am leaving and I am leaving for good. It will be my suggestion to you that you move on and start your life with someone else. I can promise you one thing… YOU ARE THE LAST GIRL IN MY LIFE. I can’t even imagine to love someone else. If you want we can be friends but nothing more. I am sorry but this is the end”.

The wind came along and swooped away everything with it, what was left of me. As my tears flew in the wind, I let go of all those things that looked so ordinary to me, my whole life, life with him, life of love. Things like beautiful memories, the laughs, the tears, the jealousy, the stolen kisses and dreams of a beautiful future, a typical white picket fence dream, and all other things; but when you put all of them together, they made up my life which was one of a kind. It’s not so hard to die if you know you have lived and boy o boy did I live…………… How I lived.

It was painful and still is. I was speechless; but I did respond with a promise of my own. It was difficult to put together words to deliver my promise to him; so I did all I could, “I love you and.. and I always will, and I promise you this too… YOU WILL …. YOU WILL BE THE LAST GUY IN MY LI….” I couldn’t finish, I broke into tears.

“Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.”
― J.M. Barrie

I SEE LIFE, I SEE LIGHT

"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of reality" ~Edgar Allan Poe.


True –very, very true. I was terrified, I was horrified. Days had passed by even months; but nothing had happen. How can this be? I was sure, so very, very sure that he heard me that last time, so then why am I still grieving my loss with numb eyes and dried up tears? I was losing my patience; I was losing my mind yet again. I needed an answer, and I needed it quick. I can only fall down a deep dark pit so many times.

It was the 4th of September; a decade of months had passed by. It was almost impossible for me to face the world; face the same people I once did in school, trying to burry my soul so as to hide my hurt feelings. So here I was, smiling and sparkling for the second day of my college. Admissions had gone by smoothly; yet no excitement touched me. I sat there in my class, pretending on the outside while screaming on the inside.

Here is the point where you fancy me insane, I saw the man, the angel I wished for in that dark and dreary night. However, I was clueless of his importance in my life I said, “ hello, nice to meet you.” And he smiled back. So shy was he to speak a word, he kept smiling the whole time. I did not know I had an intimidating personality, who knew depression could come in handy. He was a friend of a friend and I was just a damsel in distress, so perfectly did it fit except for the fact that he had a woman of his own.

No matter, the situation was a mess, keep reading this, you’ll see how we met.



"The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins." ~Edgar Allan Poe.

Edgar Allan Poe
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/e/edgar_allan_poe.html#d1cJuVGxrWH6G0dJ.99

The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins?
Edgar Allan Poe
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/e/edgar_allan_poe.html#d1cJuVGxrWH6G0dJ.99

the night it rained

When the darkness and the pain has hit you so hard, what do you do? How will it get better again?

Everyone gets rescued; but in their own ways. Some change their environments, some socialize more while some socialize less. However, for me it was that one dreadful night when I lost everything. The night when I lost hope in myself that I can ever be the same again…

The wind was blowing and It was cold, it was freezing outside. I was lying in my bed, resting and trying my level best to keep my eyes closed till the point I fall asleep. As time had passed it got harder and harder to sleep. I would stare at the ceiling of my tiny bedroom trying to make patterns in the shadows while the wind outside distracted me. What more could I have done to make myself fall asleep? I took pills, I counted backwards from 100, I put on slow and gentle songs… but HELL, I just won’t sleep. So finally, anxious and irritated, I got up, quietly and carefully, I went to the backdoor in the kitchen and unlocked it. The minute I stepped outside, that cold gentle breeze crashed into me like I was its target. I circled around my house once or twice. Tired, I finally sat down on the road, in front of my house.

I had used up all my cards, I was out of all my tricks; now I needed a miracle to get out of this. Sitting on that freezing ice cold road, I looked up at the dark purple sky and I said,

“ how far are you willing to go? Can you break me anymore?” my eyes watered up, but I controlled, because I didn’t want to appear weak just yet. “how bad do you think I am? I know I have made some heavy mistake in my past but can’t you see me trying to make up for them every single day? I asked you for love and what do you do? you show me a quick glance and then take it away from me, isn’t that a bit cruel? You let me believe that I had found love….  You could have given me a hint that he wasn’t the one. I could have saved myself from all this, I could have protected my heart from breaking into pieces. I could have….” And the tears streamed down my cheeks. At that very moment, a drop of rain fell on my forehead. I had a feeling that it was going to pour soon; yet I did not move. I sat there for another five minutes and It started raining.

I stood up, and spread my arms while I closed my eyes and looked up. Every drop that fell on my face ignited a fire in me. Drop by drop, the fire breathed; a fire so intense, so flaming hot that I forgot about him, I forgot about harry. I walked over to a wall in front of the house and I leaned back on it. Still looking up, I joined my hands together, I kneeled down, and I said, “I want help. I need help. I want to get better. I want to fight this, please give me the strength to fight it. I know me, I know my mind that’s why I know that I can’t do this alone, I can’t fight on my own… I need someone to guide me, someone who can help me, show me the right way, someone who can divert my attention from him, who can pull me back once I fall down the pit of depression every time, who can show me how I can live without him and won’t leave me in the middle of the road to fight alone.. You have sent angels as men to help your people before; so send someone for me.” Facing the sky, I opened my eyes; and the lightening flashed with the grudge of a thunder. Somehow I had a strong feeling that he heard me this time, he heard my cry.. HE HEARD.

grief of my love

Grief, for whatever reason it may be, will come for everyone. It comes on its own time and in its own way. It is almost as if it sits in the dark and stalks us, haunts us, it explores our weaknesses and then it comes for us. Grief doesn’t play nice; it strikes at midnight, in the dark of the night, when we can’t see what’s beyond it, when we cannot see any way out. It enters our life without any warning so that we can’t over power it because it likes to win.

Grief maybe a thing we all fear; yet it’s the only thing that we all have in common, however it looks different on everyone. Greif isn’t of death only; it is of the absence of a friend, a lover, it is of the presence of loss and it is of the never ending, inevitable presence of change… it’s life. We wonder why it has to hurt so much, why it has to cause so much pain? We give so much importance to grief that we forget about the good that we have lived. The thing we should try to remember is that It could all change in the flip of a coin, so hold on tight because the ride is rough but it does have an ending.

I tried reaching out to him, but he shut me out. I would send him messages and he wouldn’t reply, I would ask his friends to talk to him but he wouldn’t listen; and furthermore, he would reply to me like a normal friend as if he was trying to mock me. He had blocked me out of his life. I saw no way in, I was completely helpless, so I turned to my people and I looked for some empathy, some sort of a way out of all this.. A shelter. How innocent of me to think that they would take my side, how stupid, how stupid… from each and every one of them I heard, “ relax, it’s just one guy. There are many other out there. Just forget about him”. And I would scream, I would shout inside my head because they didn’t get it, they just didn’t understand. For  them it’s just a story, but it wasn’t…. it wasn’t just any normal breakup story, it was MY LIFE. How can they just say that forget about him. If it were that easy then wouldn’t I have already done that? These stupid people, so blind to my ,such real, feelings. I am smart enough to know what would be best for me, wouldn’t I have done that if it were possible? I am a girl, grieving for the loss of her dearest possession, her love… HELP ME!

fallen so deep

“The sun stopped shining for me is all. The whole story is: I am sad. I am sad all the time and the sadness is so heavy that I can't get away from it. Not ever.” 
― Nina LaCour, Hold Still

 I guess the question here is that how long are we willing to shelter the pain in our life? Well nobody can answer that with even an estimate because not one conscious mind can comprehend the extent to which one can endure brutality and cruelty on themselves until they have been through it.

I saw, every day, a part of me wither away into obscurity ;and as aware as I was, I still couldn’t do anything about it. So when the anger was too much to contain and the bargaining had failed, I turned to a state of mind that I best saw some salvation in- DEPRESSION. Who knew that loss of love would be so tremendous that one would be forced to live an unholy and immoral life filled with nothing but sorrow, anger and disgust. O what had I become… I was once the person who would stand high on the bases of morality, sanity and humanity. I was once nothing like I had become then.

We, usually, under estimate the power that depression has on the poor souls that it victimizes. The shekels, so gracefully, it put on me, were becoming so tight, gradually, that it kept lessening, what was left of my freedom, my sanity. Yes, I was losing it, and I was losing it faster than my mind would process it. I still remember, I would sit on my bed and pretend as if I am studying while actually I would be stalking him. I would sit for hours and hours and stare at that bloody phone of mine. Stare at his face, his smile and his eyes. His eyes were so perfect so nicely shaped that they enhanced the roundness of his face, his nose so small yet so perfect that it complimented the big round eyes and his lips.. oh his lips,so thin, so pink…………. WAO, just wao! How beautiful can he be? I would sit and admire him all day long, ignorant of the reality that he wasn’t mine to admire anymore..

Feelings of intense sadness, helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness is what, big people with hard to pronounce degrees, call depression; and I was a clichéd case of that. My disease went so far that it began to affect my family, it began to show that something was wrong with me. Concern was what caused them to reach out to me but I was so deep in the ground that my mind had been shut down. No help would have sufficed. So dark was I that even the light around me would get lost. It’s anyone’s guess, how dark would I have been ?

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” 
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral's Kiss

bargaining

Sitting in my cold and lonely room, I looked up at the ceiling and out of extreme desperation I turned to HIM and said, "I beg you, please give him back to me, make him come back, show him that he is my love and I his. please... I will do anything, EVERYTHING; but just please I want him back. I will pray, I will help the poor, I wont use foul language, I wont do anything wrong I promise". And since then the bargaining began; but how naive of me to think that HE would change HIS mind just like that.

Unaware of my child like, innocent thinking, I offered up my dearest possessions; I offered up my nature, my desires my any and every right deed since the day I was born, I even offered up my soul in exchange for just one day with him... with his love.

All I was asking was one day so I could sit in front of him, hold his hand and tell him that I loved him with all my heart and I would do anything to make him stay with me for eternity. You see I had this whole plan drawn up that one shinny sunny day, the bright rays of the hot sun would fall down on my cheeks. I would wake up to sound of the waves crashing smoothly into each other and his soft cushion like lips gently touching mine, making the adrenaline rush through my veins. I see him leaned toward my face and calmly he draws himself a little closer to whisper "Wear something sexy tonight, we are going out for dinner, take care till then I am late for work". I look up at him, smiling gracefully and say, "how happy am I for that day when I convinced you to not leave me".

How could I not fight for such an exquisite reality that I could have lived if only....

RED...

Denial was just one of the five distinct stages of grief that i was going to witness; but denial goes hand in hand with anger. The trick here was that nature never played fair with me, i always seem to pull the shorter end of the stick. i always got the worst of it... ALWAYS!

I became angry, so angry that i saw no happiness, no peace, no beauty in anything. I only saw RED; in me and in others. The anger that built up in me was so powerful that i became immune to anything even remotely peaceful, rational and relaxing. i would get so mad that rationality eluded me and beauty repulsed me. 

I would carve my own skin to see the red flow so smoothly out of my body,down my skin. i would carve from the top, i would carve from the bottom and i would sit and watch my own blood drip a single drop after drop on the shinning white floor. As days went by, i got addicted to this sweet pain to such lengths that the red would serve as a symphony to my pain. My eyes would drip water faster than my skin would drip the hot blood yet somehow my lips would manage to stretch in manner so sinful that you would have thought me mad. well because only a mad person would smile while enduring the pain of an angry wound.

Days even weeks passed by and i wouldn't feel better so i said to me self "what am i gaining from this?". To my shock and horror, i had no justification of the acts that i had committed. Feeling very confused and ashamed, i realized that i had been acting, how elders would put it, insanely. 

"why shed blood in the name of the man who rejected me, rejected my love? why go through such acute discomfort for he who is selfish and a liar?", i said to myself, trying to revive some dignity left in me.

the beginning

We live life; things happen to us, for us, with us, against us and all we do is go through these things. We experience- what some call- LOVE,a beautiful feeling and others call it a chemical imbalance. Whatever people Call it is their belief; but my belief is that love, regardless of its origin, has made me into who I am today. The love from my parents, my family, my friends, and strangers has put in some effort undoubtedly. However, there is one love that has build me from ground up, that has taught me how to contain my self, that has shown me how beautiful I am and how beautiful I make the world that surrounds me, that has believed in me when others had stranded me and left me to bleed in the loneliness that I never deserved. This love that I praise so much is what caused me what I valued the most..... It cost me MYSELF.

Let me take you to the beginning of it all.

He was my first love and as they say that for a woman; her first love is her last love. if you are thinking that why is one breakup such a big deal for me then let me tell you that I am a person who didn't know how to love. Its not that I didn't want to love its just that I couldn't. Love is a beautiful sentiment but I was naive to that reality. And then came he- Harry. He loved me, showed me how great life can be and gave me hope of a better life. Like a fool, I believed him. I believed in every word that he said so blindly that I ignored the obvious truth. I became one of those clichéd slaves to love only to find out that that wasn't love. I had been played with, I had been used. False promises, fake care, and lies...  ALL LIES. And he left without a goodbye... He left. He broke me and I fell into the deepest pit there could ever be. But how could I let go of the one person who showed some attention and care to me.

At first I did not accept the reality and I lived in denial. He kept saying he is done with me and I kept begging and pleading. He kept telling me that he has moved on and I kept denying it. He degraded and insulted me while I tried to put the pieces of my broken heart back together so that I can beg some more. I wasn't ready to give up because I loved the illusion of love. Love is a great power, it can control you like nothing else. We are all puppets of love

introduction

This blog is a story of love. I hope you all will like it and maybe I will be able to reach out to all those broken hearted