little things, the happy things.

We weren’t friends, he was still a passer by; yet we would meet every day and the time would fly. Slowly, slowly he got so close that only on him, I could rely. Do you see how love likes to mess with nature and challenge us every step which we defy
There came a time when we would sit on the cold, wet grass and listen to Eminem, Drake and Nikki Minaj. He would watch me smile and he would watch me laugh when I would listen to Adam Samberg’s such vulgar songs. He would watch me cry when I would listen to FM Statics’ tonight. Those days ah those simple and uncomplicated days. His love for life fueled me and my adaptable nature complimented his pride. He was so open, so liberal in life. He was just amazing, so wonderful and bright.
It was February, if I recall correctly, we were sitting on our college balcony. He pulled his laptop out and we watched a movie. My eyes were on the screen and his were on me. I noticed but I didn’t say a word, I didn’t want his feelings to flee. It had been snowing outside, it had been so cold. I was shivering I was freezing sitting on that ice cold floor. As big of a gentlemen as he is, he took his jacket off and covered me with. Quickly I turned to him, I saw his pleasant smile, that smile…. Ah my face just lit.
One terrible Monday, he didn’t show, he took a day off. I got sick, I got flu and a bad cough. Classes had ended and friends had left, I was alone and sick but going home without seeing him, didn’t sound best. So I called him, I acted like death was calling me and was calling me quick. He got worried, so terrified that he came running, running so fast. I knew he cared about me, But when I saw him, ah.. sky is the limit for that lad.
I was in college, I was supposed to study, but how could I? it wasn’t that easy. You see, in life, there comes these strong, these heavy feelings that leave you blind. Studies.. oh who cared about studies, I had love on my mind.

love and indifference

Many and many a year ago, I fell in love with a dame, love bled from whose veins. Insincere and pretentious reality did I not see. Damn o damn I dug my own grave. From that very first moment –I had not been like others, I had not been me. I opened every part of my soul to him, I let my body feel his touch. My body, my temple was his to worship and his to worship alone. I would drive my passions from the same common spring- from the same root that sheltered my desire. All I loved, I loved alone was the beating of his passionate heart. How unfortunate of my fate that I lost the man I praised. “Cry not my dear, for nothing is in vain. You will hear a calling to a path worth following, in a dime, to relieve your pain.” Said my mama. As unaware as she was of the truth; yet It seemed like mama was writing my story because then came the calling of that path worth following.

Third day of college and no sight of max. I searched left I searched right, I searched up and I searched down yet he was nowhere to be found. Eventually I gave up. Sitting on the pavement, way beyond the college road, I looked up and saw him standing, my dreamy bloke.

“Max couldn’t be here, he sends his apology. May I sit with you for a bit to keep you company?”, says the pretty boy.

Now here is where you wish me mad, I said no I said I’ll be alright. I said no, I don’t know why. He stood up and smiled. Beautiful just beautiful those wide sparkling eyes. “No wait, don’t go. Stay please stay” I screamed and I shouted as he went his own way. If only he could hear my thoughts, damn he flew away. If only I had spoken my mind, had he stayed and saved me from my regrets.

No mater, no matter, it happens once or twice. Even the most perfect of us fail, it’s bound to happen for the ultimate prize. I merely sat there for minutes and I heard footsteps come by, “Am here, am back, I just couldn’t pass by.” I smiled , I giggled, I shinned like a twinkle.

We began to explore the world, together yet; alone. Well he had a girl and I had baggage, we really didn’t seem like a perfect package. At that very moment, on the pavement, beyond the college road, sat him and I, falling in love as we stayed unknown.

delayed attack of beauty's authenticity

FOR the most twisted yet the most beautiful story which I am about to narrate, I think you might find me cliché. You see either I follow clichéd theatrics around or it does me. No matter how it is, God only knows. So, just sit back and enjoy because here’s how it goes.

It was a Tuesday, I remember clearly. Here I was, sitting on the chair, in the college library. “Come on already”, I had been impatient lately. “Sorry I am late, I was stuck somewhere”, said max. We sat there for hours, chatting and gossiping about recent affairs. And there he was, circling around us. I noticed him one twice, yes.

“So would you mind if a friend of mine comes to sit with us for a while?” asked max.

“Oh no no, by all means please”, responded I. And damn when I saw him, my jaw dropped a mile.

Fitting, indeed, that was a smash hit and mad would I be to not expect it. Max began the introduction. See love plays an important role in every part of one’s life, like it did with max. He said, “ So hey this is Eli, and he has a girlfriend back home. They want to get married so it’s serious” he smiled with a grin, if I am not mistaken.

Max’s love- what can I say about it- it was selfish, it was fierce and it had been building up for a while now. How do I begin to explain Max. He was the image of something ghastly, something hideous that would reside in the gallows. Yes the gallows, he was that bad. He was my poison that I took by choice. I wasn’t ignorant this time, I wasn’t naïve, I just am big on second chances and third like a perfect queen.


Back to the story. Beautiful that man, messy hair and light tan. So pleasing, so alluring ah those pleasant eyes. Indeed, indeed wasn’t that the image of perfection’s highs. Black jeans and greyish blue button down , but damn those brown shoes… damn, how ugly. I chuckled at max’s introduction statement. So nervous, so tremendously nervous was he, however don’t let your judgmental mind blind you to the fact that he was a beautiful modern day provocateur and a get-away drug to every out-of-control feminine impulse.

the last words

“I love you”, said harry, “But we are not meant for each other. I know you want to talk a little bit more, but that’s how it will always be ‘a little more’. You have hurt me, my feelings. I cannot begin to explain to you what went wrong because there was a lot. You are a wonderful person and I would wish you that you find someone who would put up with you. You are difficult, you are amazingly impossible. You have lied to me time and time again. You fight on the craziest topics. You don’t understand things. You think that I signed a contract with you to spend every waking and sleeping minute of my life with you. You are just too much. I love you now and I will love you forever; but I am leaving and I am leaving for good. It will be my suggestion to you that you move on and start your life with someone else. I can promise you one thing… YOU ARE THE LAST GIRL IN MY LIFE. I can’t even imagine to love someone else. If you want we can be friends but nothing more. I am sorry but this is the end”.

The wind came along and swooped away everything with it, what was left of me. As my tears flew in the wind, I let go of all those things that looked so ordinary to me, my whole life, life with him, life of love. Things like beautiful memories, the laughs, the tears, the jealousy, the stolen kisses and dreams of a beautiful future, a typical white picket fence dream, and all other things; but when you put all of them together, they made up my life which was one of a kind. It’s not so hard to die if you know you have lived and boy o boy did I live…………… How I lived.

It was painful and still is. I was speechless; but I did respond with a promise of my own. It was difficult to put together words to deliver my promise to him; so I did all I could, “I love you and.. and I always will, and I promise you this too… YOU WILL …. YOU WILL BE THE LAST GUY IN MY LI….” I couldn’t finish, I broke into tears.

“Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.”
― J.M. Barrie

I SEE LIFE, I SEE LIGHT

"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of reality" ~Edgar Allan Poe.


True –very, very true. I was terrified, I was horrified. Days had passed by even months; but nothing had happen. How can this be? I was sure, so very, very sure that he heard me that last time, so then why am I still grieving my loss with numb eyes and dried up tears? I was losing my patience; I was losing my mind yet again. I needed an answer, and I needed it quick. I can only fall down a deep dark pit so many times.

It was the 4th of September; a decade of months had passed by. It was almost impossible for me to face the world; face the same people I once did in school, trying to burry my soul so as to hide my hurt feelings. So here I was, smiling and sparkling for the second day of my college. Admissions had gone by smoothly; yet no excitement touched me. I sat there in my class, pretending on the outside while screaming on the inside.

Here is the point where you fancy me insane, I saw the man, the angel I wished for in that dark and dreary night. However, I was clueless of his importance in my life I said, “ hello, nice to meet you.” And he smiled back. So shy was he to speak a word, he kept smiling the whole time. I did not know I had an intimidating personality, who knew depression could come in handy. He was a friend of a friend and I was just a damsel in distress, so perfectly did it fit except for the fact that he had a woman of his own.

No matter, the situation was a mess, keep reading this, you’ll see how we met.



"The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins." ~Edgar Allan Poe.

Edgar Allan Poe
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/e/edgar_allan_poe.html#d1cJuVGxrWH6G0dJ.99

The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins?
Edgar Allan Poe
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/e/edgar_allan_poe.html#d1cJuVGxrWH6G0dJ.99

the night it rained

When the darkness and the pain has hit you so hard, what do you do? How will it get better again?

Everyone gets rescued; but in their own ways. Some change their environments, some socialize more while some socialize less. However, for me it was that one dreadful night when I lost everything. The night when I lost hope in myself that I can ever be the same again…

The wind was blowing and It was cold, it was freezing outside. I was lying in my bed, resting and trying my level best to keep my eyes closed till the point I fall asleep. As time had passed it got harder and harder to sleep. I would stare at the ceiling of my tiny bedroom trying to make patterns in the shadows while the wind outside distracted me. What more could I have done to make myself fall asleep? I took pills, I counted backwards from 100, I put on slow and gentle songs… but HELL, I just won’t sleep. So finally, anxious and irritated, I got up, quietly and carefully, I went to the backdoor in the kitchen and unlocked it. The minute I stepped outside, that cold gentle breeze crashed into me like I was its target. I circled around my house once or twice. Tired, I finally sat down on the road, in front of my house.

I had used up all my cards, I was out of all my tricks; now I needed a miracle to get out of this. Sitting on that freezing ice cold road, I looked up at the dark purple sky and I said,

“ how far are you willing to go? Can you break me anymore?” my eyes watered up, but I controlled, because I didn’t want to appear weak just yet. “how bad do you think I am? I know I have made some heavy mistake in my past but can’t you see me trying to make up for them every single day? I asked you for love and what do you do? you show me a quick glance and then take it away from me, isn’t that a bit cruel? You let me believe that I had found love….  You could have given me a hint that he wasn’t the one. I could have saved myself from all this, I could have protected my heart from breaking into pieces. I could have….” And the tears streamed down my cheeks. At that very moment, a drop of rain fell on my forehead. I had a feeling that it was going to pour soon; yet I did not move. I sat there for another five minutes and It started raining.

I stood up, and spread my arms while I closed my eyes and looked up. Every drop that fell on my face ignited a fire in me. Drop by drop, the fire breathed; a fire so intense, so flaming hot that I forgot about him, I forgot about harry. I walked over to a wall in front of the house and I leaned back on it. Still looking up, I joined my hands together, I kneeled down, and I said, “I want help. I need help. I want to get better. I want to fight this, please give me the strength to fight it. I know me, I know my mind that’s why I know that I can’t do this alone, I can’t fight on my own… I need someone to guide me, someone who can help me, show me the right way, someone who can divert my attention from him, who can pull me back once I fall down the pit of depression every time, who can show me how I can live without him and won’t leave me in the middle of the road to fight alone.. You have sent angels as men to help your people before; so send someone for me.” Facing the sky, I opened my eyes; and the lightening flashed with the grudge of a thunder. Somehow I had a strong feeling that he heard me this time, he heard my cry.. HE HEARD.

grief of my love

Grief, for whatever reason it may be, will come for everyone. It comes on its own time and in its own way. It is almost as if it sits in the dark and stalks us, haunts us, it explores our weaknesses and then it comes for us. Grief doesn’t play nice; it strikes at midnight, in the dark of the night, when we can’t see what’s beyond it, when we cannot see any way out. It enters our life without any warning so that we can’t over power it because it likes to win.

Grief maybe a thing we all fear; yet it’s the only thing that we all have in common, however it looks different on everyone. Greif isn’t of death only; it is of the absence of a friend, a lover, it is of the presence of loss and it is of the never ending, inevitable presence of change… it’s life. We wonder why it has to hurt so much, why it has to cause so much pain? We give so much importance to grief that we forget about the good that we have lived. The thing we should try to remember is that It could all change in the flip of a coin, so hold on tight because the ride is rough but it does have an ending.

I tried reaching out to him, but he shut me out. I would send him messages and he wouldn’t reply, I would ask his friends to talk to him but he wouldn’t listen; and furthermore, he would reply to me like a normal friend as if he was trying to mock me. He had blocked me out of his life. I saw no way in, I was completely helpless, so I turned to my people and I looked for some empathy, some sort of a way out of all this.. A shelter. How innocent of me to think that they would take my side, how stupid, how stupid… from each and every one of them I heard, “ relax, it’s just one guy. There are many other out there. Just forget about him”. And I would scream, I would shout inside my head because they didn’t get it, they just didn’t understand. For  them it’s just a story, but it wasn’t…. it wasn’t just any normal breakup story, it was MY LIFE. How can they just say that forget about him. If it were that easy then wouldn’t I have already done that? These stupid people, so blind to my ,such real, feelings. I am smart enough to know what would be best for me, wouldn’t I have done that if it were possible? I am a girl, grieving for the loss of her dearest possession, her love… HELP ME!